Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Photo of the week....Blue

My favorite color would have to be blue..I wear alot of blue and have lots of blue in my home. Picking one color is very hard as I also like many others...Enjoy my blue cause I surely did...always...Judy


Well my day yesterday sure was spent in a wasteful way as I had to go to court to testify for a man fighting to see his children more. I say wasteful because I was there not really knowing either parents but because of my service to the community in scouting I was dragged in on it. I often wonder why people in divorces don't stop and think about the children and what is best for them..In this case I found myself really thinking that neither really needed the children. I also found myself mad at the people for not being considerate enough not to make me go thru this mess at this time. The outcome of this?? I have no idea, I was honest and that is all I can be..
It sure doesn't help the down feelings I have been having and surely is not the good thing I have been waiting for around the corner..
I hope today brings better things. It looks like another sunny day and I think close to 80 degrees today. As I woke up this morning I laid thinking about my life, about how I feel. I just really wonder if those I love realizes so many things, as how hard it is to do things sometimes, how depressed I really am, how there are days I don't think I can, the lonely feelings, the scared feelings when something hurts, and just how much I love them all. Each day is a challenge in many ways and I am thankful for all of it..The grass seems greener, the sky more blue, the sun has more warmth, and life is good and more thankful everyday I am here. I can't imagine being back where I was even a year ago. If this is what Cancer is about, the journey that it takes you on, I must be strong and I must be fighter. I think this is more than I realize. So the journey goes on and I will enjoy another beautiful day...always Judy

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Trying to be stronger..

Well I haven't posted anything for a while cause I got to thinking I'm just too depressed to keep expressing my self. But today I got on to read some blogs and found one of my B. friends is in a journey of her life with cancer..So here I am back and for those that don't want to hear my journey, that's OK, it's just OK.
My heart goes out for my B. friend and I pray for the best of a report tomorrow.
I have been very busy and not doing much. My friend Shell has got me into making my cards so I have found it does relax me alot..Am I good? I doubt it but the cards are made with a lot of love so hopefully those receiving one will feel it.
I have decided to go back to work if...anyone will hire me..I was turned downed by the local Library and now have applied for a job with the school..It was hard for me to make the decision to even apply and now I'm afraid it may be a big let down. I was truly scared to start something in my life as I do not want to have to give things up as I did before..But I need a purpose in my life, I need the feeling of need back in my life, so here I go I have started.
This was my third month so in 3 months I will be at my 2 year mark..The prize from the oncologist is...I get to go to 4 month check ups..I found this real disappointing as I thought it would be 6 months but also found it even more scarier that they find it necessary to still watch me this close...I find the doc very rude and not considerate at all and truly not encouraging. The appt was disappointing as your like a number they run in and back out. I was actually asking a question as she was running out the door..But any way another 3 down..with all good reports..
My daughter Missy and her family seem to be getting even more distant..The hurt from this sometimes is so over whelming. I just find family and friends all just to busy just too much going on in their life. I guess maybe with me nothing to do I see it all more clearly.
Today is filled with rain and is so gloomy making the day longer and harder to get thru. I have got where the TV doesn't even come on but find myself following the same schedule every day. I have been walking alot and it seems to clear my head some from the worry. Thank God for my little dog LuLu, she is always beside me..

Photo of the week...Feet

What better than a bunch of giggling teenage girls and a great granddaughter that play sports to display even a size 12...of course the youngest grandson got in on this too...lots of fun with this...

Picture of the Week...Change in Seasons..

I love the spring time when every thing begins to awaken..Ive done alot of walking and thinking, Im glad spring is here..

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What Am I? The Answer is......

My what am I is a rock from down under..Yes 1200 feet under ground. It is called Pirite with calcite. Southeast Missouri is scattered with Iron Ore Mines, they are called the Buick Mine, Brushy Mine, #29 Mine, Fletcher Mine, Casteel Mine, and Sweetwater Mine. My husband and aproximately 50 others work at the Sweetwater Mine. They work daily getting over 3000 tons per day of copper, zinc, and lead. He has been at this job for 23 years..Mining is the best paying job for us trying to live in an rural area..These kind of rocks are for being collected..Anyone that would like a piece of one, let me know I would be glad to send it to ya...always Judy

Monday, March 8, 2010


Take a guess...will post later...always Judy

Momma's quilt...

I had to post a picture of the only quilt top I have made by my mom..This top is made of my childrens clothing as that is where all the buttons came from..
Lots of memories in the quilt top...always Judy

Monday, March 1, 2010

Photo of the Week...Buttons

Well I thought and thought what can I take a picture of buttons...and then I remembered, I had a container of buttons that was my moms. So with the help of my husband, we searched and found the button container. Looking thru the container brought back many memories of being at home and mom. I can remember her always taking the buttons off clothing and then cutting small squares to make quilt tops. So she made quilt tops out of the clothing of my children, myself and family members. All were sewn by hand carefully stitched. I did manage to get one of the tops that is just filled with clothing my children wore...Lots of memories...always Judy

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Best Friend

Well for the past few days I have enjoyed myself meeting with my best friend, Shelly, to have lunch. Although we found the excuse of a business matter to mark the occasion and oh yea, her birthday, I found myself more relaxed than I have been in such a long time. It was almost like everything was arranged for us,,a small quiet country cafe, very few people, and good food. We sat quietly together talking about anything and everything and oh might I add everyone... There was no music just quietness and every once in a while we could hear a crash from the kitchen area, hoping no one got hurt. Not realizing the time, it just flew, we had spent 2 hours sitting there. I'm sure her work wondered where she was.
I am so thankful for these times and it makes me realize just how great life is and how much more of the same needs to be done. Making time is so hard for everyone these days as we fill our life with so much to do list only to leave us wondering where did the time go? We only realize how much we have wasted when it is too late. I have a wonderful family and even tho very distant at this time I plan to work on that. I miss my sister so much even if I don't agree on her ways..I'm sure she doesn't mine as well. I still hold the memory of her spending the night with me when the chemo had me so down. She said it was to let the others rest but I felt so much love from her and the encouragement for me to fight, she would tell me "I am not going to let you give up,,you fight this." As I laid so sick, I remember waking up and turning to see if someone was with me, the light still on way up into the morning, she sat drinking a glass of tea and reading her book. I don't think we spoke but just looked at one another..I knew she loved me and still does but with her pride in the way so much time has been loss, time we could have had fun and shared. I do forgive her but hope she can deal with all she has done..
I guess my great time with my bestie also made me think of what I am missing with my younger sister...I love ya sis,,always will, and Shell I love ya too as my sis..always Judy

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Photo of the week...Something I made..

Well Im really not into making anything right now but I do keep my front porch wreath decorated to the seasons. So I decided this would be my picture of the week after completing it today...Being inspired by my friend Shelly, who knows what I will try next.

I also took pictures of my front porch so..Welcome and "Come sit on my porch" and enjoy..always...Judy

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Just Keep on...

Well things have been busy in my house so I haven't found time to stop and write. Made the long trip to the doctor yesterday to get a good report but developed a sore neck from sleeping on the ride! We had 3 birthdays at Family Dinner Sunday celebrating Heather's 18th Birthday, Connors, and Samantha's. So a very big dinner for us all. Samantha stayed the whole week before as Clay was out on a business trip. Love to have them but it really puts alot on me. Also went and applied for a job. Yea Im ready to try to go back to work but was only given a blow of not getting it. I don't think Im gonna get hired because everyone still thinks of me as sick. So very let down as wanting to fill the emptiness and need of being wanted, and putting meaning back into my life.
To be thankful for so much, the feeling of sadness still remains so strong. Cancer has taken so much from me, my health, my energy, my friends, my work, and most of all my family. The little arguments with my daughters seem to be growing with such hurt and the granddaughters pulling away also. I am not able to understand why and what I have done so wrong for them to pull away from me. I try hard to understand , am I just to let them all continue to say, to treat me in anyway..I am a person and I can make my choices and my decisions, I can say what I feel and should it be so wrong? My favorite saying, "Where have all the people gone?" wondering if all cancer people feel this too.
I write what I feel, I say as I feel, am I depressing? Probably so, so do I not be honest, do I write as if all is great, do I make others think my world is great right now? I do fight for my life to be good, I fight hard and I do believe it will come but I just can not find that one thing to grab a hold of to help me. I turn to God strong and I know without him I would not have gotten where I am today.
I will continue to fight, to find the ways to pull my family and friends back to me as that is my Goal in life right now..I will prove everyone wrong,,I will show all I can do. I may cry but that's ok to cry, I may be depressing to you but that's ok that is honesty, and I will continue to fight and that's ok. that's just me.. always Judy

Monday, February 15, 2010

More Clouds

Monday Photo of the week...Clouds

Loving Clouds

Oh how I love to watch the clouds
Peacefully, peacefully drifting by
Silently upon a breeze
They ease across the clear blue sky.

How they build and roll and tumble
Just like angels out to play
Dancing with sylphs and fairies
Head o'er hills along the way.

Each new shape is quite amusing:
Puffs to great majestic towers
Building for their loving gift
To bless the earth with vital showers.

by Craig Nicholson

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

ThE JoY iN LiFe...

This is Klair the youngest of the grandchildren. I had the joy of keeping her one day and having a wonderful time. I was taking pictures so she also wanted to. She as full of joy as she looks and definately keeps me hopping. We filled our day with Barney and singing songs and oh yes lots of dance. always..Judy

Monday, February 8, 2010

Mondays A picture a Week..Flowers and Hearts

Well I have to start by saying NO I didn't get roses..My daughter stayed all week with me and it was her anniversary, 8th anniversary, and these were delivered at my house. I thought hmmmm roses and they were beautiful. So I thought what better for my pictures...

so I combined hearts I had of gifts and the snow,,what a better combination..

Hope everyone enjoys these as much as I did taking the pics...I have really enjoyed taking part in this and picking up the camerea has given me something to do as well as I have found lots of beauty...always..Judy

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Finding out...

Its another cold and cloudy day..One of the blah days with plenty to do but don't want to do. I wanted to write today about the move I made when I was 15. The move that I was told was to supposedly get us in a safer place to live.

As I wrote before the move to a rural town was so very hard. It just seem they did everything different and was very clickish with friends. It was so hard to move there. I finally found a guy that my feelings were very deep for, his name was Rick. Meeting him made the move easier and along with the special friend that also came, I began to be happy.

Alot of things didn't make sense, why move us down there and Dad not come. Again I was told of how he was going to retire eventually and would be down there with us. It was a struggle as I didn't have my driver license, not old enough, but they allowed me to drive to town for groceries. Then the fire, then Dad did stay with us.

Well years ago I learned the truth but still found it hard to believe. Two of my Aunts, Bobbie and Marie informed me the reason Dad moved us there was because he was leaving mom and us. I still refused to believe it but was told by my sister Barb it was true. I felt mad and still do. As close as Mom and I were she never told me, everyone knew but me. I felt I had blamed the death of Jane on myself, now I felt mad because no one ever discussed the fire nor the real reason for the move. I now found myself blaming my Dad. If he had never done this, moved us into the very old home, we would never of went thru the loss. To live all these years and not know the truth. Finding out this secret really hurt me but made me realize even more that there must be other secrets..I really don't think I want to know more, the hurt was alot and I can say I still don't understand it all..I often wish Mom was here to tell me all the truth and for me to tell her how hurt I am.

Maybe my life is why I feel being honest and open with the children is so important. No one needs skeletons and secrets, it only hurts.


Monday, February 1, 2010

More Snow Pictures of Reynolds County Mo.

Monday A Photo A Week...From My Window

The snow continued to fall with an accumulation of 7 inches. This is my favorite window in my home, here I can watch the children get off the school bus, see the sky and trees meet, and watch the morning sun rise. As you can see we live in town so sometimes the view isn't as pretty or relaxing as the closeness of the neighbors. Especially when you have one under construction and in no hurry to finish..I really enjoyed watching the snow fall.

I also took pictures from other windows of my home, the back window, back door, and front door. I have open curtains as to bring the outside in. During my quiet times I sit and look thru these windows to find the peace I need and to help with the loneliness I feel.

I hope you enjoy my views as I do.


Saturday, January 30, 2010

A writing from the past...April 26,2008

After the rough night, I had to get out and away so my escape was to Missy and Keiths new home. We all got together. As I set silently and watched each of them and it made me feel so good. All of them laughing and the guys working together. They never even realized what I was doing and this time for me was different watching them. This is how it should be and hope all of them remember no matter how busy they are, stop take time for these moments, be together.

The day is hard and I feel so tired but I must keep going and hopefully help them thru this all. I hope that the hurt I see does not over whelm me and continue to make me feel the let down to all. I called Barb which is very hard. I worry about her so much. She wants to come and I want her here. I hope that if anything good could come from this it will be her coming back to this family and she has the strength to face what I fear. My son was also told,I love him but I don't think he realizes how bad it is.

April 27, 2008

Today I called my brother Carl, he is one of my Hero's. He is a very wonderful, just great person and has been the backbone to our family. I have the same feeling toward my sister Sharon. she also has been there for me and her strength makes me feel so much better. I respect and know Carls decisions are good and know his calmness and understanding will help me..Again I see so much hurt. We are all together again all but Mitch and Barb. They will soon be down I know. Then we are complete. My day with Carl and Sharon helped but I hate for them to leave and of course the night time and evening brings my over whelming fear.

I had a house full but I sat silently and watched all of them once again, I felt so proud, I have 8 grandchildren. Watched them laugh and play, what a miracle to have this.
I also go to tell Jenny, not good at all. We cried together and I once again seen how much Kevin is hurting.

April 28, 2008

Paula is staying close and it makes me feel so good. I worry about my kids. The girls are close but JR is very distant.

Today I told my girls at daycare. It hurt so bad to even walk into there. My little Amber was so upset and again, I see so much hurt from all of them. This was very upsetting. I also sent letters home to my families. I could not look at the children, I felt so much hurt for my loss , a big loss.

I always felt that my work for God was if I could touch the life of the child and family and make one difference, than what a better world we could have, and I had helped and done my work. I use to feel that I could conquer the world, fill it with love,and understanding for the children and the parents..This all has fulfilled my life. I have grown to love the children alot, another hurt in my life.

The news is out with letters going to my parents, whom I love. Many phone calls and flowers. I still don't feel I can face them. Again I loose so much in my life.
My friend Suzie comes over, so happy to see her and will always admire her.

Night time begins to come and I feel the fear over whelming me. Tomorrow I hope this to be easier.

These were some of the writings when I first became ill, diagnosed with maybe a year to live. Its hard for everyone to understand Cancer people, its hard to understand how they feel, think, and how the fear is always with them..Today I met a girl close to my age dying from cancer, with no hope nor help, we talked and we understood each other. Living in a world and loving life and wanting to live for cancer people is a minute by minute, day by day, and test to test. In May I will be 2 years cancer free but still have all the feelings above. I try hard to help everyone around me to understand me, but as the time passes, all are more distant and certainly understand less.
The only good I can find from getting sick is I am closer to God, I appreciate everything so much more, and I am honest with my self and also with others.


Friday, January 29, 2010

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy, is to go outside somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.
Anne Frank

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow

The snow began about 8 this morning and has snowed all day..We now have about 4 inches on the ground 12 hours later.. Had fun with the grandchildren and my baby named LuLu.
Hope you enjoy the pictures as much as I did today.