I continue my journey..10 days till the surgery. I find the days very lonely and each day is filled with prayers of good to come. I try to continue and to understand the emptiness that fills my heart as no one is around. I don't believe they all understand what can happen during the operation and the fears continue to mount in my mind. I wanted so much for the doctors to tell me this will be good and I can do it but they don't. I try to imagine what it will be like to not have to go thru what I have the past five years. I so want to be the way I use to be. Im not ready to leve my family and will fight and pray God will be beside me.
today is stormy and rainy and lonely. Just wishing I had my best friend, my sister, just my family to ease this time. I have dreams of getting to travel to see things. While watching a movie I placed myself in the adventure of packing everything up, me and my dog, and just travel till I find that special place. Maybe that special place is just in a dream. I am thankful for all I have, I thank God many times in a day. God is what is getting me thru.
We grow up, we loose close friends, family walks away, loose people we love, and then we look and thank God. My prayer is to get thru this and not to loose what I have.
I am at my five year journey marker of five year cancer free. Just a few months to go but I am on another journey to face. I am schedule for surgery soon for mesh removal, hernia repair, and abdomen reconstruction. I continue to fight the fight and this may be the worse journey yet. Trying to keep my faith and turn it over to God. It is hard and I pray to God for his protection.
My family, I'm not sure. I feel more and more distance between us. I prayed for the days to be filled with fun and family. Not happening. Don't understand why they all act so distance but maybe I have caused it.i know I am so proud of my kids and grandchildren. In the extra five years God has given me, I have learned so much and had the joy of seeing two of my grandchildren graduate from high school, two from eight grade,2 nieces have children,one niece married, another getting married this mont, a granddaughter finding her love of her life, and to watch and share the life of all the grandchildren. Although my life has been filled with wondeful God given gifts I have also been filled with sadness. A sister who hasn't talked to me, a brother who chooses not to be a part of my life and probably the hardest,,a friend of44 years turned her back to me. I know that all is for a reason and I should not ask why, but I,do.
I have a grandson living with me who continues to find life a challenge for him. My prayers for him is to grow into the awesome young man he is and to give life a chance. I want to see him succeed and to find the one he loves.
I feel I will be posting a lot. A month till the surgery. Praying,,God is Good.