It's ok to cry

Photo of the week....Blue

2010-03-31T09:03:00.002-05:00

My favorite color would have to be blue..I wear alot of blue and have lots of blue in my home. Picking one color is very hard as I also like many others...Enjoy my blue cause I surely did...always...Judy

Yesterday...

2010-03-31T08:41:00.002-05:00

Well my day yesterday sure was spent in a wasteful way as I had to go to court to testify for a man fighting to see his children more. I say wasteful because I was there not really knowing either parents but because of my service to the community in scouting I was dragged in on it. I often wonder why people in divorces don't stop and think about the children and what is best for them..In this case I found myself really thinking that neither really needed the children. I also found myself mad at the people for not being considerate enough not to make me go thru this mess at this time. The outcome of this?? I have no idea, I was honest and that is all I can be..
It sure doesn't help the down feelings I have been having and surely is not the good thing I have been waiting for around the corner..
I hope today brings better things. It looks like another sunny day and I think close to 80 degrees today. As I woke up this morning I laid thinking about my life, about how I feel. I just really wonder if those I love realizes so many things, as how hard it is to do things sometimes, how depressed I really am, how there are days I don't think I can, the lonely feelings, the scared feelings when something hurts, and just how much I love them all. Each day is a challenge in many ways and I am thankful for all of it..The grass seems greener, the sky more blue, the sun has more warmth, and life is good and more thankful everyday I am here. I can't imagine being back where I was even a year ago. If this is what Cancer is about, the journey that it takes you on, I must be strong and I must be fighter. I think this is more than I realize. So the journey goes on and I will enjoy another beautiful day...always Judy

Trying to be stronger..

2010-03-25T10:57:00.003-05:00

Well I haven't posted anything for a while cause I got to thinking I'm just too depressed to keep expressing my self. But today I got on to read some blogs and found one of my B. friends is in a journey of her life with cancer..So here I am back and for those that don't want to hear my journey, that's OK, it's just OK.
My heart goes out for my B. friend and I pray for the best of a report tomorrow.
I have been very busy and not doing much. My friend Shell has got me into making my cards so I have found it does relax me alot..Am I good? I doubt it but the cards are made with a lot of love so hopefully those receiving one will feel it.
I have decided to go back to work if...anyone will hire me..I was turned downed by the local Library and now have applied for a job with the school..It was hard for me to make the decision to even apply and now I'm afraid it may be a big let down. I was truly scared to start something in my life as I do not want to have to give things up as I did before..But I need a purpose in my life, I need the feeling of need back in my life, so here I go I have started.
This was my third month so in 3 months I will be at my 2 year mark..The prize from the oncologist is...I get to go to 4 month check ups..I found this real disappointing as I thought it would be 6 months but also found it even more scarier that they find it necessary to still watch me this close...I find the doc very rude and not considerate at all and truly not encouraging. The appt was disappointing as your like a number they run in and back out. I was actually asking a question as she was running out the door..But any way another 3 down..with all good reports..
My daughter Missy and her family seem to be getting even more distant..The hurt from this sometimes is so over whelming. I just find family and friends all just to busy just too much going on in their life. I guess maybe with me nothing to do I see it all more clearly.
Today is filled with rain and is so gloomy making the day longer and harder to get thru. I have got where the TV doesn't even come on but find myself following the same schedule every day. I have been walking alot and it seems to clear my head some from the worry. Thank God for my little dog LuLu, she is always beside me..
always..Judy

Photo of the week...Feet

2010-03-25T10:50:00.004-05:00

What better than a bunch of giggling teenage girls and a great granddaughter that play sports to display even a size 12...of course the youngest grandson got in on this too...lots of fun with this...

Picture of the Week...Change in Seasons..

2010-03-25T10:43:00.002-05:00

I love the spring time when every thing begins to awaken..Ive done alot of walking and thinking, Im glad spring is here..

What Am I? The Answer is......

2010-03-10T20:10:00.002-06:00

My what am I is a rock from down under..Yes 1200 feet under ground. It is called Pirite with calcite. Southeast Missouri is scattered with Iron Ore Mines, they are called the Buick Mine, Brushy Mine, #29 Mine, Fletcher Mine, Casteel Mine, and Sweetwater Mine. My husband and aproximately 50 others work at the Sweetwater Mine. They work daily getting over 3000 tons per day of copper, zinc, and lead. He has been at this job for 23 years..Mining is the best paying job for us trying to live in an rural area..These kind of rocks are for being collected..Anyone that would like a piece of one, let me know I would be glad to send it to ya...always Judy

PHOTO OF THE WEEK....WHAT AM I?

2010-03-08T20:51:00.001-06:00

Take a guess...will post later...always Judy

Momma's quilt...

2010-03-08T20:46:00.001-06:00

I had to post a picture of the only quilt top I have made by my mom..This top is made of my childrens clothing as that is where all the buttons came from..
Lots of memories in the quilt top...always Judy

Photo of the Week...Buttons

2010-03-01T09:57:00.003-06:00

Buttons...
Well I thought and thought what can I take a picture of buttons...and then I remembered, I had a container of buttons that was my moms. So with the help of my husband, we searched and found the button container. Looking thru the container brought back many memories of being at home and mom. I can remember her always taking the buttons off clothing and then cutting small squares to make quilt tops. So she made quilt tops out of the clothing of my children, myself and family members. All were sewn by hand carefully stitched. I did manage to get one of the tops that is just filled with clothing my children wore...Lots of memories...always Judy

The Best Friend

2010-02-23T09:18:00.002-06:00

Well for the past few days I have enjoyed myself meeting with my best friend, Shelly, to have lunch. Although we found the excuse of a business matter to mark the occasion and oh yea, her birthday, I found myself more relaxed than I have been in such a long time. It was almost like everything was arranged for us,,a small quiet country cafe, very few people, and good food. We sat quietly together talking about anything and everything and oh might I add everyone... There was no music just quietness and every once in a while we could hear a crash from the kitchen area, hoping no one got hurt. Not realizing the time, it just flew, we had spent 2 hours sitting there. I'm sure her work wondered where she was.
I am so thankful for these times and it makes me realize just how great life is and how much more of the same needs to be done. Making time is so hard for everyone these days as we fill our life with so much to do list only to leave us wondering where did the time go? We only realize how much we have wasted when it is too late. I have a wonderful family and even tho very distant at this time I plan to work on that. I miss my sister so much even if I don't agree on her ways..I'm sure she doesn't mine as well. I still hold the memory of her spending the night with me when the chemo had me so down. She said it was to let the others rest but I felt so much love from her and the encouragement for me to fight, she would tell me "I am not going to let you give up,,you fight this." As I laid so sick, I remember waking up and turning to see if someone was with me, the light still on way up into the morning, she sat drinking a glass of tea and reading her book. I don't think we spoke but just looked at one another..I knew she loved me and still does but with her pride in the way so much time has been loss, time we could have had fun and shared. I do forgive her but hope she can deal with all she has done..
I guess my great time with my bestie also made me think of what I am missing with my younger sister...I love ya sis,,always will, and Shell I love ya too as my sis..always Judy

Photo of the week...Something I made..

2010-02-21T20:26:00.004-06:00

Well Im really not into making anything right now but I do keep my front porch wreath decorated to the seasons. So I decided this would be my picture of the week after completing it today...Being inspired by my friend Shelly, who knows what I will try next.

I also took pictures of my front porch so..Welcome and "Come sit on my porch" and enjoy..always...Judy

Just Keep on...

2010-02-17T08:57:00.002-06:00

Well things have been busy in my house so I haven't found time to stop and write. Made the long trip to the doctor yesterday to get a good report but developed a sore neck from sleeping on the ride! We had 3 birthdays at Family Dinner Sunday celebrating Heather's 18th Birthday, Connors, and Samantha's. So a very big dinner for us all. Samantha stayed the whole week before as Clay was out on a business trip. Love to have them but it really puts alot on me. Also went and applied for a job. Yea Im ready to try to go back to work but was only given a blow of not getting it. I don't think Im gonna get hired because everyone still thinks of me as sick. So very let down as wanting to fill the emptiness and need of being wanted, and putting meaning back into my life.
To be thankful for so much, the feeling of sadness still remains so strong. Cancer has taken so much from me, my health, my energy, my friends, my work, and most of all my family. The little arguments with my daughters seem to be growing with such hurt and the granddaughters pulling away also. I am not able to understand why and what I have done so wrong for them to pull away from me. I try hard to understand , am I just to let them all continue to say, to treat me in anyway..I am a person and I can make my choices and my decisions, I can say what I feel and should it be so wrong? My favorite saying, "Where have all the people gone?" wondering if all cancer people feel this too.
I write what I feel, I say as I feel, am I depressing? Probably so, so do I not be honest, do I write as if all is great, do I make others think my world is great right now? I do fight for my life to be good, I fight hard and I do believe it will come but I just can not find that one thing to grab a hold of to help me. I turn to God strong and I know without him I would not have gotten where I am today.
I will continue to fight, to find the ways to pull my family and friends back to me as that is my Goal in life right now..I will prove everyone wrong,,I will show all I can do. I may cry but that's ok to cry, I may be depressing to you but that's ok that is honesty, and I will continue to fight and that's ok. that's just me.. always Judy

More Clouds

2010-02-15T09:44:00.009-06:00

Monday Photo of the week...Clouds

2010-02-15T09:05:00.004-06:00

Loving Clouds

Oh how I love to watch the clouds
Peacefully, peacefully drifting by
Silently upon a breeze
They ease across the clear blue sky.

How they build and roll and tumble
Just like angels out to play
Dancing with sylphs and fairies
Head o'er hills along the way.

Each new shape is quite amusing:

Puffs to great majestic towers

Building for their loving gift

To bless the earth with vital showers.

by Craig Nicholson

ThE JoY iN LiFe...

2010-02-09T08:32:00.010-06:00

This is Klair the youngest of the grandchildren. I had the joy of keeping her one day and having a wonderful time. I was taking pictures so she also wanted to. She as full of joy as she looks and definately keeps me hopping. We filled our day with Barney and singing songs and oh yes lots of dance. always..Judy

Mondays A picture a Week..Flowers and Hearts

2010-02-08T06:55:00.031-06:00

Well I have to start by saying NO I didn't get roses..My daughter stayed all week with me and it was her anniversary, 8th anniversary, and these were delivered at my house. I thought hmmmm roses and they were beautiful. So I thought what better for my pictures...

so I combined hearts I had of gifts and the snow,,what a better combination..

Hope everyone enjoys these as much as I did taking the pics...I have really enjoyed taking part in this and picking up the camerea has given me something to do as well as I have found lots of beauty...always..Judy

Finding out...

2010-02-02T10:36:00.002-06:00

Its another cold and cloudy day..One of the blah days with plenty to do but don't want to do. I wanted to write today about the move I made when I was 15. The move that I was told was to supposedly get us in a safer place to live.

As I wrote before the move to a rural town was so very hard. It just seem they did everything different and was very clickish with friends. It was so hard to move there. I finally found a guy that my feelings were very deep for, his name was Rick. Meeting him made the move easier and along with the special friend that also came, I began to be happy.

Alot of things didn't make sense, why move us down there and Dad not come. Again I was told of how he was going to retire eventually and would be down there with us. It was a struggle as I didn't have my driver license, not old enough, but they allowed me to drive to town for groceries. Then the fire, then Dad did stay with us.

Well years ago I learned the truth but still found it hard to believe. Two of my Aunts, Bobbie and Marie informed me the reason Dad moved us there was because he was leaving mom and us. I still refused to believe it but was told by my sister Barb it was true. I felt mad and still do. As close as Mom and I were she never told me, everyone knew but me. I felt I had blamed the death of Jane on myself, now I felt mad because no one ever discussed the fire nor the real reason for the move. I now found myself blaming my Dad. If he had never done this, moved us into the very old home, we would never of went thru the loss. To live all these years and not know the truth. Finding out this secret really hurt me but made me realize even more that there must be other secrets..I really don't think I want to know more, the hurt was alot and I can say I still don't understand it all..I often wish Mom was here to tell me all the truth and for me to tell her how hurt I am.

Maybe my life is why I feel being honest and open with the children is so important. No one needs skeletons and secrets, it only hurts.

always...Judy

More Snow Pictures of Reynolds County Mo.

2010-02-01T19:24:00.009-06:00

Monday A Photo A Week...From My Window

2010-02-01T09:11:00.007-06:00

The snow continued to fall with an accumulation of 7 inches. This is my favorite window in my home, here I can watch the children get off the school bus, see the sky and trees meet, and watch the morning sun rise. As you can see we live in town so sometimes the view isn't as pretty or relaxing as the closeness of the neighbors. Especially when you have one under construction and in no hurry to finish..I really enjoyed watching the snow fall.

I also took pictures from other windows of my home, the back window, back door, and front door. I have open curtains as to bring the outside in. During my quiet times I sit and look thru these windows to find the peace I need and to help with the loneliness I feel.

I hope you enjoy my views as I do.

always..Judy

A writing from the past...April 26,2008

2010-01-30T18:57:00.004-06:00

After the rough night, I had to get out and away so my escape was to Missy and Keiths new home. We all got together. As I set silently and watched each of them and it made me feel so good. All of them laughing and the guys working together. They never even realized what I was doing and this time for me was different watching them. This is how it should be and hope all of them remember no matter how busy they are, stop take time for these moments, be together.

The day is hard and I feel so tired but I must keep going and hopefully help them thru this all. I hope that the hurt I see does not over whelm me and continue to make me feel the let down to all. I called Barb which is very hard. I worry about her so much. She wants to come and I want her here. I hope that if anything good could come from this it will be her coming back to this family and she has the strength to face what I fear. My son was also told,I love him but I don't think he realizes how bad it is.

April 27, 2008

Today I called my brother Carl, he is one of my Hero's. He is a very wonderful, just great person and has been the backbone to our family. I have the same feeling toward my sister Sharon. she also has been there for me and her strength makes me feel so much better. I respect and know Carls decisions are good and know his calmness and understanding will help me..Again I see so much hurt. We are all together again all but Mitch and Barb. They will soon be down I know. Then we are complete. My day with Carl and Sharon helped but I hate for them to leave and of course the night time and evening brings my over whelming fear.

I had a house full but I sat silently and watched all of them once again, I felt so proud, I have 8 grandchildren. Watched them laugh and play, what a miracle to have this.
I also go to tell Jenny, not good at all. We cried together and I once again seen how much Kevin is hurting.

April 28, 2008

Paula is staying close and it makes me feel so good. I worry about my kids. The girls are close but JR is very distant.

Today I told my girls at daycare. It hurt so bad to even walk into there. My little Amber was so upset and again, I see so much hurt from all of them. This was very upsetting. I also sent letters home to my families. I could not look at the children, I felt so much hurt for my loss , a big loss.

I always felt that my work for God was if I could touch the life of the child and family and make one difference, than what a better world we could have, and I had helped and done my work. I use to feel that I could conquer the world, fill it with love,and understanding for the children and the parents..This all has fulfilled my life. I have grown to love the children alot, another hurt in my life.

The news is out with letters going to my parents, whom I love. Many phone calls and flowers. I still don't feel I can face them. Again I loose so much in my life.
My friend Suzie comes over, so happy to see her and will always admire her.

Night time begins to come and I feel the fear over whelming me. Tomorrow I hope this to be easier.

These were some of the writings when I first became ill, diagnosed with maybe a year to live. Its hard for everyone to understand Cancer people, its hard to understand how they feel, think, and how the fear is always with them..Today I met a girl close to my age dying from cancer, with no hope nor help, we talked and we understood each other. Living in a world and loving life and wanting to live for cancer people is a minute by minute, day by day, and test to test. In May I will be 2 years cancer free but still have all the feelings above. I try hard to help everyone around me to understand me, but as the time passes, all are more distant and certainly understand less.
The only good I can find from getting sick is I am closer to God, I appreciate everything so much more, and I am honest with my self and also with others.

always..Judy

2010-01-29T19:44:00.002-06:00

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy, is to go outside somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.
Anne Frank

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow

2010-01-29T17:39:00.007-06:00

The snow began about 8 this morning and has snowed all day..We now have about 4 inches on the ground 12 hours later.. Had fun with the grandchildren and my baby named LuLu.
Hope you enjoy the pictures as much as I did today.

Always..Judy

A Tragic Turn in my Life

2010-01-26T17:33:00.003-06:00

I think it would be only right to write about the most tragic thing in my life. To explain it hurts but writing about it, leaving the story for others to read may help everyone to realize how hard it was on me.

It was the last week of school, a year of trying to adjust to the small town and small school, making new friends, boyfriends, and really I began to fall in love with it all. I often wondered why and could not understand just how Dad and Mom could move us out of a really nice house into an old house barely big enough to hold us all. To add to the size of the family a aunt had also moved in with her 2 children. I loved her being there because Mom had someone with her since Dad only came home on weekends, sometimes.

Jane and I were bored that day so we decided to cross the highway walking down the iver bank to an old tree that had been washed up. We sat and talk and threw rocks into the water, she bragged about the new boyfriend she had and how much she liked him. My plans for the evening was to go the movies some miles away with my boyfriend and friends. She said she had no plans. So we walked back to the house and I began to get ready for the date. We were very close with less than a year between us, I had always looked over her as she was special. Special in a way that she was different, very quiet, shy, and definately not out going and rebelious as I was but her way made everyone love her so. To me she had this glow of sadness and often talked about what it would be like to have her identical twin Joan there that we had lost as an infant. Mom often talked the story of how Jane also almost died at the death of her twin, how they had to rush her to the hospital also. I remember when we started school, she would just sit and cry for mom, they would call me to her room and I would have to sit with her until she stopped. She was always nustled under moms apron, mom being very protective and so very close to her as she was to mom.

That night we watched a movie about Godzilla,,yea Godzilla, there was lots of fire and things burning in the movie and not a good movie at all but of course we stayed and even had laughs out of it. On our way home we got a flat tire having to stop and change it. I felt very sad and didn't know why, I even cried. We got the tire changed then hurried home as I had missed my curfew.

Upon arrival at the house, the dogs barked at me, I guess it was probably around 12:30. Aunt Bill asked if it was me and I told her yea. She informed me that mom, dad, and Mitch, the youngest of us had stayed down the hill in a small cabin type building my dad had built. We talked and discussed how hot the house felt and I told her I would turn the window fan on for a while to cool the house down. I went into the room where Jane and I was sleeping, she lay really still, had a hot pink top on, she never awoke. I got into the bed with her, she never spoke. About 3:30 I was awaken by the sounds of crackling and flickering lights..I lay looking out the bedroom door and thought I was dreaming as from the movie earlier. I closed my eyes and then heard sounds of kids screaming, my aunt screaming to get out..The house was on fire.

I shook Jane told her to get up. The room had two windows, one opened to the porch but was closed, the other was open but would be a jump to get out. I chose the window with the jump because it was open. I pushed the screen out and jumped hitting the ground on my knee. Above me and behind me, I heard the window shut with a bang. The house was old and the windows were held open by a stick. By this time the youngest of us girls, Paula was running to me along with 2 cousins that were burnt and hurt, Sissi Im hurt is all I could hear.My aunt had busted out the window and threw the kids out with them getting cut from the glass. From down below the hill my mom and dad were running up to the house..I screamed to Dad, Jane is in there, she didn't jump out. Mom tried to go in the house and I held her down to stop her. I then found Dad on the front porch of the house with him telling me, I can't find her, I can't find her. He was burnt and bleeding from all the glass. The next door neighbor came running across and tried, I remember telling him Jane didn't get out, get some flash lights and wet blankets..It was just too late, the fire was so intense. I remember taking them all puttin them in the car, driving off the hill and infront of the house, looking up it wasn't nothing but fire. She was gone.

We drove a few miles coming to my aunts house and then onto the hospital. My leg was ok after being checked out, my aunt was burnt all over, the children had cuts from the glass, scorched hair, and blisters a half inch high on the tops of their ears.
Moma just completely lost it, she would sit and hear her talking and say listen she is talking, can't you hear her..A woman that had so much death in her life and stayed strong was now unable to.

That night I could not sleep, took the children and went to my boyfriends home. I can remember cutting scorched hair, doctoring the cuts and blisters. They too was scared and I slept with all 3 of them.

The days to come was hard. I picked her casket and flowers. Her funeral was in the highschool gym, I still see her rose colored casket sitting in the middle of that floor. She is buried in Dogwood Cemetery with the other sisters.

We all recovered from the burns, bruises, but never from the loss. I found myself pregnant with my oldest daughter,Samantha. I thought I was beeing punished for this but at her birth I realized she was special because she was sent to help us thru loosing Jane. The day she was born is the day I got my mom back and started trying to live my life.

Sad story I know but I have to leave this for others to know. To understand that it doesn't matter how old you are, this can happen. At the age of 15 and 16, I often ask why did I get out and she didn't. I can still hear Mom asking me why did you go to the window? There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and pray she was here, I know she would have been here to help me,,I really miss her.

Photo of the Week....My Favorite Coffee Mug

2010-01-24T20:24:00.002-06:00

Well meet my favorite coffee mug. This mug is glass as you can see and is about 4 years old. This is my favorite as thru the years my morning coffee was drank from it. Upon getting sick, hot tea became my favorite. At times hot broth was even brought to me in it. My favorite is hot chocolate. The sad news is tho, my favorite coffee mug got broke shortly after taking this picture...So yes Im looking for another just like it...because it was my favorite.. always..Judy

My Very Bestest Friend...

2010-01-22T20:12:00.003-06:00

Well this is Shelly, my best friend. In 1969 my parents moved me from a big city to a very rural town called Lesterville. Moving was hard on me, leaving all my friends and of course at the age of 15, I had a boyfriend. I can remember the first day of school was horrible and no one talked to me nor tried to. Needless to say I went home crying and was very upset with my mom and dad for moving me in this horrible place. Days past with little change and found each day very lonely..I can still remember the teachers announcing a new student was coming. A girl, in my class, she was very smart, and from E.St. Louis area. Ahh I thought my kind and we almost lived within miles from one another. Thinking this would be my chance to make friends cause surely she would find the same as I did, not real friendly people. The day came and her name was Michelle and yes we were alot alike and we became the best friends anyone could ever see. We shared death, our marriages, our children, and grandchildren together. We sure could tell ya some stories about us too, like the time the ice was on the ground, chickens couldn't even walk, we decided to sneak to town only to end up rolling down the hill to my house. I laughed so hard at her, I cried. We also shared illness. We are still best of friends even tho our distance is short we find it hard to make the time we still need together because of our families but know we are sisters. Lots of memories, of guys, parties, laughs and so many cries. As I have said before she is one of my heroes because of her heart, her understanding, her knowledge, her patience, and most of all for her love, she is my hero. always...Judy

2010-01-22T20:04:00.000-06:00

All 10 of us..

2010-01-21T19:08:00.003-06:00

Had a farely busy day today. Went to gather a baby shower present, pick up prescriptions, and got my hair done.. I almost forgot the highlight of today,,after school I took all 3 grandsons to get their hair cut,,Colby the youngest is some little character and made the job just a little hard but we did accomplish it.

Well I think tonight I will try to write about this big family we have so you will know all their names and just about their life.

Doris Helen born March 1942 and died June 1943. Don't know alot about her but the death certificate says colitis. Mom never talked alot about her only the story of her death. At that time they lived in Southeast Mo. in a small town called Dogwood.
Mom said they knew she was sick but not so bad as to die. She said it had been a very warm day and she had done laundry and hung out to dry on the line. She laid on the bed with my sister in front of an open window with a cool breeze blowing thru, and she seemed better and even played then drifting off to sleep. Mom thought it would be a great time to go get laundry off the line so she went out to do so. While standing and folding clothes with a warm cloudy sky she said there seem to be a light shine down on the house toward the window where Helen laid. She said she hurried and went in to check on her and found she had died. I still to this day cannot lay under a window. She is buried in Dogwood Cemetery along side mom and dad and three other sisters.

Carl Lee born May 1944,and resides with his wife Sharon in Waterloo Illinois. They have 2 children with 2 grandchildren. He was the father figure of the family. He has always been there for me and I have always felt safe when he is around. In my life I have heroes as I have said and he is one. For his strength, love, knowledge, patience, and father figure. I love him so.

Charles Edward, Charlie to his friends, was born Aug. 1946 died April 2001 from a heart attack. He was the laughter of the family and the one with the biggest heart. He never seen you without telling you how much he loved you and always laid a big kiss on ya. He was also the one with the secret life and lots of skeletons. He served in Viet Nam, almost died from a stabbing, car wreck, and getting hit by a car. Married several times but only 2 sons, Charles Jr. and Brian whom we have not seen since they were little nor know their where abouts. It was really hard loosing him and took time for us all to get over this loss. Maybe over. He is buried in Warrenton Cemetery.

Barbara Ann was born in Jan.1951 and resides in Northern Illinois. Married for 35 years and now divorced, has 4 children, and 5 grandchildren. She was my best friend in my teen years doing almost everything together. Upon my illness she is the one that came and stayed with me even tho she suffers from MS. She is still close checking on me although the distance keeps us apart.

Then there was me...Judy Kay,Im sure I will have alot to tell you,,I was born in March 1954

Joan Marlene born Mar.1953 and died Nov. 1955. She was an identical twin. Death due to menigits. She is buried in Dogwood Cemetery.

Jane Christine born Mar. 1953 and died May 1970 in a house fire.She also was an identical twin. She was a wonderful person and my best friend. So hard to over come this loss, blame,and hurt. Not a day goes by I don't think of her. She is buried in Dogwood Cemetery.

Kathy Lynn born Oct.c1959 and died Feb. 1960. I can barely remember Kathy. Cause of death, cardiac arrest, whole in her heart. She is buried in Dogwood Cemetery.

Paula Lynn born Jan. 1962 and resides in Ellington, Mo. Since getting ill she has chosen to not come around me as it is her way of dealing with it. She has 4 children and 4 grandchildren.

Mitchell Wayne born June 1967 and resides in Cahokia Ill. He also chooses not to deal with my illness and doesn't visit much. He has one son.

Well this is all so you know about me and my family. Although we have had so much loss we did have a good life. I love them all so much..

always,,Judy

Changes in my Life...

2010-01-20T18:23:00.003-06:00

The weekend was a quiet one with the Birthday Celbration on Sunday. I always look forward to our Family Sundays and our meal together. It does seem to tire me out but I want to continue as we are all together. The importance of families being together is at the top for me, even if its only once a week.

My life since being diagnosed with the cancer has changed so much. My memory is not there the way it use to be and I certainly am restrained from the activities I was use to. While keeping my wonderful and youngest granddaughter, Klair, yesterday I realized just how much I miss being with children and being able to pick them up and hold them. We played and watched Barney the whole day singing and dancing. She was so much fun and something I really longed to do. Even tho I played with her I wanted so much to hold her to bond with her as a Grandma should. My job of owning a daycare of 30 children a day prior to my illness has made the longing even harder.

My life has become very lonely. It seems the children have become more distant not having much to do with me and I sit daily trying to find something to keep me busy. There are days no one even checks on me and I am thankful the older Grandchildren come in after school. Friends are scarce as tho they are aftaid of catching something. Everyone just seems so busy with their own life.

The cancer leaves you stripped of so much, energy is gone, desire is so less, and hope is dug from within so deep. I have came a long way from even months ago but find it hard to get up each morning and to find something that makes me realize, I am better. I am thankful for my life and overcoming the cancer at this time. I pray all the time for it not to return.

I love blogging and writing so I really hope this helps and others won't find me depressing. I live with hope, so much love for life, and for my family. I now read others blogs and find it so interesting to read about their life. I am very thankful for finding this and hopeful I can learn how to do it all.. And I love the pictures.

always,, Judy

More Shadows

2010-01-18T18:54:00.001-06:00

2010-01-18T09:45:00.000-06:00

PHOTO OF THE WEEK.....A Sunday Drive

2010-01-18T08:28:00.000-06:00

My Sundays are always spent cooking and getting ready for our routine of family meal and get together. This Sunday would be a special one as it is my Granddaughter Natalie's 10th birthday celebration. But with a few hours with nothing to do my husband and I decided to take a drive. This is something we had not done in over 2 years so I felt very excited. It would be a great opportunity to take some pictures so I grabbed the camera. Ellington has a population of about 1000 residents but is nestled in the mountains with the state parks, Clearwater Lake, and Current and Black Rivers close by it. The park is to the back of town so that is where we chose to start our drive. Finding the sun was out for the first in days we drove and I observed so many shadows. After driving thru the park looking at an old fort site, the fire tower, Buford Lake, the old Log Cabin built by the CC camps, and many animal food plots. we surprisingly did not see one animal. So we decided to go back to the north of town and come back to town. Driving down the road my husband suddenly stopped and started to back up. Looking to my right up on a small hill stood two deer right by the road, right in town. They were in the shadows of the trees and with the colors they could barely be seen. But right in town, right beside the road, and in front of a home. They stood there for quite some time just staring at me. I wondered what they thought but I knew they felt they were safe with me. This is my picture of the week because I felt it showed a shadow but also a trust and one of our beautiful attractions of the area.

About my Mom and Dad

2010-01-14T09:53:00.000-06:00

Thinking that it might be good to tell where my family started and some info about them would be good to write about today,
My Mom was a very loving woman with a great big heart. It seems it was forever she would take in a cousin, aunt or just anyone and let them live with us. Knowing momma's background makes this all very understandable. She was raised in hollers of Tennessee along with 7 siblings and her name was Christine. Never got to go to school but in the early years this was the way of life then. It seems the importance of helping and working had the priority of life. She did at later life teach herself to read some out of our grade shcool books. I can remember her telling me stories of Cow Holler and Happy Holler and living close to Minnie Pearl and for those who ask who is Minnie Pearl? She was a star on the Grand Ole Opry with the mark of her hats. One story she often told was of how Cow Holler became named that. She would tell the story of a cow getting stuck in a crevice in a mountain, of how the men worked and worked to save the cow, finally getting it free and thence the holler was named Cow Holler. Her talks was of how they lived in logging camps and moved with the camps. Her home of a huge tent, she would smile telling me of how they swept the dirt floors and how clean they kept the tents. You have to imagine this huge tent with a cooking stove, table, beds and all just to get the most of what I write and it was big enough to house 10 people. She said they swept the floors so much they become as hard as concrete making her cleaning even easier. There is not much history going back on her family as we have come to a dead end with a great grandma with no last name..Hints of slavery to me is in the information.
My Dad, Jesse along with 7 siblings, lived along side my mom's family and with the death of his mom at an early age after child birth, and his dad's death shortly after, my mom's parents raised all of those children. That is how momma met dad and later married him to be parents of 10 of us children.
My ancestors on my dad's side came from Devonshire England and lived in the Isle of Wright Va. in which my Dads last name is Wright. There is info on doctors,lawyers and a famous Tennessee pottery that was in our family. The pottery is still noted in Hickman County Tennessee as a historical marker as Coble Pottery.
My mom and dad eventually married moving northward into Southeast Missouri working in the cotton fields and making Dogwood, Mo. their first home and where my first sister Doris Helen would be born but also die at the age of 15 months. They would eventually move to St. Louis with more children being born but also loosing 2 more of my sisters, Joan Marlene at the age of 2 yrs. 8 months, and Kathy Lynn at the age of 4 months. They would eventually move to Cahokia Illinois where my brothers and dad built a new house. At my age of 15 we then moved to rural area in Reynolds County Mo. where death would continue to follow in our family. At the age of 15, my sister Jane Christine was loss to a house fire. A very tragic turn in my life in which I will write about another day..Mom and Dad lived there until they became sick. I lost my mom in 1992 at the age of 67 and dad on Christmas day in 1987. He was 70 years old. They along with my 4 sisters are buried in Dogwood Cemetery in Southeast Mo., their first home.
My family is one of many secrets and skeletons in the closet and found this on both sides..My family also had secrets in which later in life finding out some of them only brought so much hurt. I am hoping that this terrible trend of secrets, lies, and skeletons does not continue in our generation. Family is so important and all the love possible that can be shown to one another should be done..My prayer is for my children to be and stay as close as possible.

Going Back..April 22, 2008

2010-01-13T09:45:00.001-06:00

During the time of my chemo I became really sick but did manage to write some about what was going on in my life. From time to time I will write some of them in my blogging just so I know they are being shared.

Dated April 22, 2008

Today was the beginning of a really bad dream or what seems like a dream. In February I really started having the first signs of anything being wrong but I truly thought I had a miscarriage. This was the day I would have a visit with a OBGYN doctor which turned out to be a really bad ordeal. My very best friend Shelly was with me. There are not enough words to say what she means to me and has helped me thru my life. In my life I have some hero's and she would definately be one of my heros. A very rough day but I didn't realize I would leave grieving with the thought of loosing a baby, one I always wanted with Kevin. Getiing home I don't think family realized how much I hurt.

April 25,2008

Returned to the doctor to be told I never had a miscarriage but had Cancer of the Uterus called MMMT and that it will kill me. Maybe a year left. My life can't be over as there are things I can't leave. I will fight this with everything I have. The fear is over whelming, my family has been here for me which means so much.
Me nor Kev could sleep at night and we cried togther. I have never seen him cry but I seen so much hurt. We held each other close all night and did not sleep hardly any. I knew I loved him but did not realize, he does love me. Telling my family is so hard and I feel I have let so many down. The hurt I see is over whelming. My Girls and my son, I love you so and only hope that what I taught you, you will grab ahold and always stop and think, would mom say this is ok. Very hard day but had so much love around me..

My wonderful Grandchildren

2010-01-12T13:04:00.000-06:00

My life is my grandkids, all 8 of them. The youngest being 3 and the oldest 17. Four girls Heather, Ashlynn, Natalie, and Klair and 4 boys Trevor, Connor, Colby, Jakob. Each filled with all the love anyone could ask for. Watching them grow up has been the most remarkable thing in my life. Not a day will pass that a new little funny thing happens with them. When trying to recover from surgery and diagnosed with cancer this is what brighten the day for me.. I will never forget them waiting for my hair to fall out. One day they came in and Connor came in sat close to me and said Gma you feel better? I told him yes and he says, you still have hair, I said yea isn't that great? He says Gma ya know what I heard on tv, I said whats that Connor, he said I heard if you eat hot dogs it will cure Cancer, well Connor I best get to eating them Huh? So I choked the tears back and gave him a big hug..
Heather will graduate this year, Trevor just got his license,Colby and Jakob started school this year, Ashlynn is the sweetest of all in her teens, Natalie is full of spunk and my smallest Klair is just the cutest. I watched every day for the school bus at the end of the road to stop and here they come running to see who can get at the house first. How could anyone not put a fight up to live for all of this..

Encouraged..

2010-01-11T09:25:00.000-06:00

Well Im going to give this a try as my very best friend encouraged me to do it. I guess I will begin by telling a few things about me. Im definately not a writer but all written will be honest and from the heart. I am a 55 year old female, a mom of 3, a grandma of 8, and a wife. In April 2008 I was diagnosed with cancer, a rare form of uterine cancer called MMMT. My journey with my fight has been very hard and very life changing for me..It also continues to be very hard. Cancer is not only life changing but also the most frighting thing to go thru. Right now I am cancer free, or as far as I know I am and continue to have a checkup every three months. I find it hard to live 3 months at a time and continue to try to find a way to stop doing it. I not only have the cancer to live with but also got the honors of getting a staff infection, MRSA in the wound and continue to fight with an open wound that will not heal.

Having cancer has made me realize the importance of everything around me and the love I have just of living..I want to spend every minute with the family and friends which I have found not to happen..I sometimes find myself kinda giggling and asking "where have all the people gone?" As I find it a struggle each day to accept the things that I cannot change, my life does not get easier. I love life and all that surrounds me and I will continue to fight to keep it. I have also learned to be honest with myself and with others which has caused problems. With a 25-35% chance of this devil within returning, I have to be honest. You have heard the question What would you do if you only had a day, a week, a year to live? I would and want to spend every minute of it having fun and being with those I love...