Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Best Friend

Well for the past few days I have enjoyed myself meeting with my best friend, Shelly, to have lunch. Although we found the excuse of a business matter to mark the occasion and oh yea, her birthday, I found myself more relaxed than I have been in such a long time. It was almost like everything was arranged for us,,a small quiet country cafe, very few people, and good food. We sat quietly together talking about anything and everything and oh might I add everyone... There was no music just quietness and every once in a while we could hear a crash from the kitchen area, hoping no one got hurt. Not realizing the time, it just flew, we had spent 2 hours sitting there. I'm sure her work wondered where she was.
I am so thankful for these times and it makes me realize just how great life is and how much more of the same needs to be done. Making time is so hard for everyone these days as we fill our life with so much to do list only to leave us wondering where did the time go? We only realize how much we have wasted when it is too late. I have a wonderful family and even tho very distant at this time I plan to work on that. I miss my sister so much even if I don't agree on her ways..I'm sure she doesn't mine as well. I still hold the memory of her spending the night with me when the chemo had me so down. She said it was to let the others rest but I felt so much love from her and the encouragement for me to fight, she would tell me "I am not going to let you give up,,you fight this." As I laid so sick, I remember waking up and turning to see if someone was with me, the light still on way up into the morning, she sat drinking a glass of tea and reading her book. I don't think we spoke but just looked at one another..I knew she loved me and still does but with her pride in the way so much time has been loss, time we could have had fun and shared. I do forgive her but hope she can deal with all she has done..
I guess my great time with my bestie also made me think of what I am missing with my younger sister...I love ya sis,,always will, and Shell I love ya too as my sis..always Judy

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Photo of the week...Something I made..

Well Im really not into making anything right now but I do keep my front porch wreath decorated to the seasons. So I decided this would be my picture of the week after completing it today...Being inspired by my friend Shelly, who knows what I will try next.

I also took pictures of my front porch so..Welcome and "Come sit on my porch" and enjoy..always...Judy

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Just Keep on...

Well things have been busy in my house so I haven't found time to stop and write. Made the long trip to the doctor yesterday to get a good report but developed a sore neck from sleeping on the ride! We had 3 birthdays at Family Dinner Sunday celebrating Heather's 18th Birthday, Connors, and Samantha's. So a very big dinner for us all. Samantha stayed the whole week before as Clay was out on a business trip. Love to have them but it really puts alot on me. Also went and applied for a job. Yea Im ready to try to go back to work but was only given a blow of not getting it. I don't think Im gonna get hired because everyone still thinks of me as sick. So very let down as wanting to fill the emptiness and need of being wanted, and putting meaning back into my life.
To be thankful for so much, the feeling of sadness still remains so strong. Cancer has taken so much from me, my health, my energy, my friends, my work, and most of all my family. The little arguments with my daughters seem to be growing with such hurt and the granddaughters pulling away also. I am not able to understand why and what I have done so wrong for them to pull away from me. I try hard to understand , am I just to let them all continue to say, to treat me in anyway..I am a person and I can make my choices and my decisions, I can say what I feel and should it be so wrong? My favorite saying, "Where have all the people gone?" wondering if all cancer people feel this too.
I write what I feel, I say as I feel, am I depressing? Probably so, so do I not be honest, do I write as if all is great, do I make others think my world is great right now? I do fight for my life to be good, I fight hard and I do believe it will come but I just can not find that one thing to grab a hold of to help me. I turn to God strong and I know without him I would not have gotten where I am today.
I will continue to fight, to find the ways to pull my family and friends back to me as that is my Goal in life right now..I will prove everyone wrong,,I will show all I can do. I may cry but that's ok to cry, I may be depressing to you but that's ok that is honesty, and I will continue to fight and that's ok. that's just me.. always Judy

Monday, February 15, 2010

More Clouds

Monday Photo of the week...Clouds

Loving Clouds

Oh how I love to watch the clouds
Peacefully, peacefully drifting by
Silently upon a breeze
They ease across the clear blue sky.

How they build and roll and tumble
Just like angels out to play
Dancing with sylphs and fairies
Head o'er hills along the way.

Each new shape is quite amusing:
Puffs to great majestic towers
Building for their loving gift
To bless the earth with vital showers.

by Craig Nicholson

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

ThE JoY iN LiFe...

This is Klair the youngest of the grandchildren. I had the joy of keeping her one day and having a wonderful time. I was taking pictures so she also wanted to. She as full of joy as she looks and definately keeps me hopping. We filled our day with Barney and singing songs and oh yes lots of dance. always..Judy

Monday, February 8, 2010

Mondays A picture a Week..Flowers and Hearts

Well I have to start by saying NO I didn't get roses..My daughter stayed all week with me and it was her anniversary, 8th anniversary, and these were delivered at my house. I thought hmmmm roses and they were beautiful. So I thought what better for my pictures...

so I combined hearts I had of gifts and the snow,,what a better combination..

Hope everyone enjoys these as much as I did taking the pics...I have really enjoyed taking part in this and picking up the camerea has given me something to do as well as I have found lots of beauty...always..Judy

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Finding out...

Its another cold and cloudy day..One of the blah days with plenty to do but don't want to do. I wanted to write today about the move I made when I was 15. The move that I was told was to supposedly get us in a safer place to live.

As I wrote before the move to a rural town was so very hard. It just seem they did everything different and was very clickish with friends. It was so hard to move there. I finally found a guy that my feelings were very deep for, his name was Rick. Meeting him made the move easier and along with the special friend that also came, I began to be happy.

Alot of things didn't make sense, why move us down there and Dad not come. Again I was told of how he was going to retire eventually and would be down there with us. It was a struggle as I didn't have my driver license, not old enough, but they allowed me to drive to town for groceries. Then the fire, then Dad did stay with us.

Well years ago I learned the truth but still found it hard to believe. Two of my Aunts, Bobbie and Marie informed me the reason Dad moved us there was because he was leaving mom and us. I still refused to believe it but was told by my sister Barb it was true. I felt mad and still do. As close as Mom and I were she never told me, everyone knew but me. I felt I had blamed the death of Jane on myself, now I felt mad because no one ever discussed the fire nor the real reason for the move. I now found myself blaming my Dad. If he had never done this, moved us into the very old home, we would never of went thru the loss. To live all these years and not know the truth. Finding out this secret really hurt me but made me realize even more that there must be other secrets..I really don't think I want to know more, the hurt was alot and I can say I still don't understand it all..I often wish Mom was here to tell me all the truth and for me to tell her how hurt I am.

Maybe my life is why I feel being honest and open with the children is so important. No one needs skeletons and secrets, it only hurts.


Monday, February 1, 2010

More Snow Pictures of Reynolds County Mo.

Monday A Photo A Week...From My Window

The snow continued to fall with an accumulation of 7 inches. This is my favorite window in my home, here I can watch the children get off the school bus, see the sky and trees meet, and watch the morning sun rise. As you can see we live in town so sometimes the view isn't as pretty or relaxing as the closeness of the neighbors. Especially when you have one under construction and in no hurry to finish..I really enjoyed watching the snow fall.

I also took pictures from other windows of my home, the back window, back door, and front door. I have open curtains as to bring the outside in. During my quiet times I sit and look thru these windows to find the peace I need and to help with the loneliness I feel.

I hope you enjoy my views as I do.