So much has happen in my life since the last post so I will begin with the happiness in my life..I have seen 3 of the grandchildren graduate for high school, one continues in college to become a teacher, another is working and has bought his first truck on his own, and the other is getting ready to graduate in college in business..What a joy to be here and to see this all happen. No great grand children yet but lots of nieces and nephews having beautiful children. My babies that are still in elementary are growing up fast, the boys very busy in sports, and my lil bundle of joy granddaughter is quite grown up with such an outstanding personality. My two middle ones are very sporty, sophomores in high school, and quite courageous two. I thank God for every day given to me to see all of this..Our farm continues to grow with 1 llama, 3 pigs, 9 cows, and 3 sheep. The winter was quite a challenge with us loosing a momma cow after birth and then having to bottle feed the calf..Lots of adventures for sure. Spring is around the corner and the garden and flower beds will be planted soon. So much to thankful for.
My relationships with my family has continued to grow farther apart. Im lonely and missing the closeness we use to have. As before I never ment for them to leave me but only to know all would be good if I was gone. I haven't worked for a year because of health issues and had two major surgeries in that year. Now waiting on an early retirement and fighting for it.
A very good friend moved away leaving another hole in my heart..I will miss her..I still think a lot about friends that have left, miss them dearly for sure. The struggles continue in life. Growing old is not fun for sure.
I try to stay busy doing crafts but even find my self depressed with that. Marriage is failing with all the money problems and health issues. He continues to drink and marriage life has no joy.
I guess its all hard for anyone to understand. I pray to God a lot for his guidance and help in knowing what to do. Ive missed writing and hope I will keep this up to date now. Will be glad to be back here.
I continue my journey..10 days till the surgery. I find the days very lonely and each day is filled with prayers of good to come. I try to continue and to understand the emptiness that fills my heart as no one is around. I don't believe they all understand what can happen during the operation and the fears continue to mount in my mind. I wanted so much for the doctors to tell me this will be good and I can do it but they don't. I try to imagine what it will be like to not have to go thru what I have the past five years. I so want to be the way I use to be. Im not ready to leve my family and will fight and pray God will be beside me.
today is stormy and rainy and lonely. Just wishing I had my best friend, my sister, just my family to ease this time. I have dreams of getting to travel to see things. While watching a movie I placed myself in the adventure of packing everything up, me and my dog, and just travel till I find that special place. Maybe that special place is just in a dream. I am thankful for all I have, I thank God many times in a day. God is what is getting me thru.
We grow up, we loose close friends, family walks away, loose people we love, and then we look and thank God. My prayer is to get thru this and not to loose what I have.
I am at my five year journey marker of five year cancer free. Just a few months to go but I am on another journey to face. I am schedule for surgery soon for mesh removal, hernia repair, and abdomen reconstruction. I continue to fight the fight and this may be the worse journey yet. Trying to keep my faith and turn it over to God. It is hard and I pray to God for his protection.
My family, I'm not sure. I feel more and more distance between us. I prayed for the days to be filled with fun and family. Not happening. Don't understand why they all act so distance but maybe I have caused it.i know I am so proud of my kids and grandchildren. In the extra five years God has given me, I have learned so much and had the joy of seeing two of my grandchildren graduate from high school, two from eight grade,2 nieces have children,one niece married, another getting married this mont, a granddaughter finding her love of her life, and to watch and share the life of all the grandchildren. Although my life has been filled with wondeful God given gifts I have also been filled with sadness. A sister who hasn't talked to me, a brother who chooses not to be a part of my life and probably the hardest,,a friend of44 years turned her back to me. I know that all is for a reason and I should not ask why, but I,do.
I have a grandson living with me who continues to find life a challenge for him. My prayers for him is to grow into the awesome young man he is and to give life a chance. I want to see him succeed and to find the one he loves.
I feel I will be posting a lot. A month till the surgery. Praying,,God is Good.
December 29th 2012
Well it has been a while since posting so I decided I would start this thing back up..I will start by saying that I am in my 5th year..Yea! If I make it to the end of 2013 without any signs of the cancer, I am considered cured. So I know this year will be the hardest and the most feared. Not saying it couldn't come back after but it sure will be nice to get there. I sure can tell I am aging alot, but Im sure we all can tell.
Had a beautiful snow last night of maybe 4 inches. My husband came in this morning and said come on you are going for a ride. I must say I loved it and something we had not done in so long. But needless to say I am now alone as he went off gigging with the guys. Im glad for him to go but the loneliness just overwhelms me. I sometimes wonder how you can have 3 children and 8 grandchildren but sometimes feel so alone.
Not much has happened in my life since my last writing except for loosing my sister and her family. She lives a few miles from me and have not spoke or seen me in 4 years. Not sure why but Im sure I did something but also with her help of denying how sick I was, this is what she wanted. I miss her so much and someone to talk to. It just seems since getting sick, everyone has pulled away, I need them just as much now as then. My goal if God let me live, I would make everyone be able to take care of themselves and in doing it I feel I have pushed them all away from me.
My best friend has a life she doesn't want me to know about or be apart of now. Don't quite understand it all but have no choice in it. I miss her also.
Maybe I am just a not good person, I just don't know anymore
My Grandkids have grown so much,,I work at a local school now. Working has been a challenge as I have so much more going on. There are days I just can't hardly do it and days I don't know if I can go in and get my hours. I should have never gone back to work as its just too much with the life I want with my husband,kids, family, and just having some fun. I often why we fill our life with just too much.
Had a great Christmas filled with lots of things from my family,the biggest surprise was a set of wedding rings! Im very proud of them and love my husband even more.
I just don't know what I would do without him.
Hoping this finds everyone who finds my blog having a great Holiday! It feels good to be back writing..
My favorite color would have to be blue..I wear alot of blue and have lots of blue in my home. Picking one color is very hard as I also like many others...Enjoy my blue cause I surely did...always...Judy
Well my day yesterday sure was spent in a wasteful way as I had to go to court to testify for a man fighting to see his children more. I say wasteful because I was there not really knowing either parents but because of my service to the community in scouting I was dragged in on it. I often wonder why people in divorces don't stop and think about the children and what is best for them..In this case I found myself really thinking that neither really needed the children. I also found myself mad at the people for not being considerate enough not to make me go thru this mess at this time. The outcome of this?? I have no idea, I was honest and that is all I can be.. It sure doesn't help the down feelings I have been having and surely is not the good thing I have been waiting for around the corner.. I hope today brings better things. It looks like another sunny day and I think close to 80 degrees today. As I woke up this morning I laid thinking about my life, about how I feel. I just really wonder if those I love realizes so many things, as how hard it is to do things sometimes, how depressed I really am, how there are days I don't think I can, the lonely feelings, the scared feelings when something hurts, and just how much I love them all. Each day is a challenge in many ways and I am thankful for all of it..The grass seems greener, the sky more blue, the sun has more warmth, and life is good and more thankful everyday I am here. I can't imagine being back where I was even a year ago. If this is what Cancer is about, the journey that it takes you on, I must be strong and I must be fighter. I think this is more than I realize. So the journey goes on and I will enjoy another beautiful day...always Judy
Well I haven't posted anything for a while cause I got to thinking I'm just too depressed to keep expressing my self. But today I got on to read some blogs and found one of my B. friends is in a journey of her life with cancer..So here I am back and for those that don't want to hear my journey, that's OK, it's just OK. My heart goes out for my B. friend and I pray for the best of a report tomorrow. I have been very busy and not doing much. My friend Shell has got me into making my cards so I have found it does relax me alot..Am I good? I doubt it but the cards are made with a lot of love so hopefully those receiving one will feel it. I have decided to go back to work if...anyone will hire me..I was turned downed by the local Library and now have applied for a job with the school..It was hard for me to make the decision to even apply and now I'm afraid it may be a big let down. I was truly scared to start something in my life as I do not want to have to give things up as I did before..But I need a purpose in my life, I need the feeling of need back in my life, so here I go I have started. This was my third month so in 3 months I will be at my 2 year mark..The prize from the oncologist is...I get to go to 4 month check ups..I found this real disappointing as I thought it would be 6 months but also found it even more scarier that they find it necessary to still watch me this close...I find the doc very rude and not considerate at all and truly not encouraging. The appt was disappointing as your like a number they run in and back out. I was actually asking a question as she was running out the door..But any way another 3 down..with all good reports.. My daughter Missy and her family seem to be getting even more distant..The hurt from this sometimes is so over whelming. I just find family and friends all just to busy just too much going on in their life. I guess maybe with me nothing to do I see it all more clearly. Today is filled with rain and is so gloomy making the day longer and harder to get thru. I have got where the TV doesn't even come on but find myself following the same schedule every day. I have been walking alot and it seems to clear my head some from the worry. Thank God for my little dog LuLu, she is always beside me.. always..Judy