A writing from the past...April 26,2008

After the rough night, I had to get out and away so my escape was to Missy and Keiths new home. We all got together. As I set silently and watched each of them and it made me feel so good. All of them laughing and the guys working together. They never even realized what I was doing and this time for me was different watching them. This is how it should be and hope all of them remember no matter how busy they are, stop take time for these moments, be together.

The day is hard and I feel so tired but I must keep going and hopefully help them thru this all. I hope that the hurt I see does not over whelm me and continue to make me feel the let down to all. I called Barb which is very hard. I worry about her so much. She wants to come and I want her here. I hope that if anything good could come from this it will be her coming back to this family and she has the strength to face what I fear. My son was also told,I love him but I don't think he realizes how bad it is.

April 27, 2008

Today I called my brother Carl, he is one of my Hero's. He is a very wonderful, just great person and has been the backbone to our family. I have the same feeling toward my sister Sharon. she also has been there for me and her strength makes me feel so much better. I respect and know Carls decisions are good and know his calmness and understanding will help me..Again I see so much hurt. We are all together again all but Mitch and Barb. They will soon be down I know. Then we are complete. My day with Carl and Sharon helped but I hate for them to leave and of course the night time and evening brings my over whelming fear.

I had a house full but I sat silently and watched all of them once again, I felt so proud, I have 8 grandchildren. Watched them laugh and play, what a miracle to have this.
I also go to tell Jenny, not good at all. We cried together and I once again seen how much Kevin is hurting.

April 28, 2008

Paula is staying close and it makes me feel so good. I worry about my kids. The girls are close but JR is very distant.

Today I told my girls at daycare. It hurt so bad to even walk into there. My little Amber was so upset and again, I see so much hurt from all of them. This was very upsetting. I also sent letters home to my families. I could not look at the children, I felt so much hurt for my loss , a big loss.

I always felt that my work for God was if I could touch the life of the child and family and make one difference, than what a better world we could have, and I had helped and done my work. I use to feel that I could conquer the world, fill it with love,and understanding for the children and the parents..This all has fulfilled my life. I have grown to love the children alot, another hurt in my life.

The news is out with letters going to my parents, whom I love. Many phone calls and flowers. I still don't feel I can face them. Again I loose so much in my life.
My friend Suzie comes over, so happy to see her and will always admire her.

Night time begins to come and I feel the fear over whelming me. Tomorrow I hope this to be easier.


These were some of the writings when I first became ill, diagnosed with maybe a year to live. Its hard for everyone to understand Cancer people, its hard to understand how they feel, think, and how the fear is always with them..Today I met a girl close to my age dying from cancer, with no hope nor help, we talked and we understood each other. Living in a world and loving life and wanting to live for cancer people is a minute by minute, day by day, and test to test. In May I will be 2 years cancer free but still have all the feelings above. I try hard to help everyone around me to understand me, but as the time passes, all are more distant and certainly understand less.
The only good I can find from getting sick is I am closer to God, I appreciate everything so much more, and I am honest with my self and also with others.

always..Judy

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy, is to go outside somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.
Anne Frank

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow

The snow began about 8 this morning and has snowed all day..We now have about 4 inches on the ground 12 hours later.. Had fun with the grandchildren and my baby named LuLu.
Hope you enjoy the pictures as much as I did today.

Always..Judy

A Tragic Turn in my Life

I think it would be only right to write about the most tragic thing in my life. To explain it hurts but writing about it, leaving the story for others to read may help everyone to realize how hard it was on me.

It was the last week of school, a year of trying to adjust to the small town and small school, making new friends, boyfriends, and really I began to fall in love with it all. I often wondered why and could not understand just how Dad and Mom could move us out of a really nice house into an old house barely big enough to hold us all. To add to the size of the family a aunt had also moved in with her 2 children. I loved her being there because Mom had someone with her since Dad only came home on weekends, sometimes.

Jane and I were bored that day so we decided to cross the highway walking down the iver bank to an old tree that had been washed up. We sat and talk and threw rocks into the water, she bragged about the new boyfriend she had and how much she liked him. My plans for the evening was to go the movies some miles away with my boyfriend and friends. She said she had no plans. So we walked back to the house and I began to get ready for the date. We were very close with less than a year between us, I had always looked over her as she was special. Special in a way that she was different, very quiet, shy, and definately not out going and rebelious as I was but her way made everyone love her so. To me she had this glow of sadness and often talked about what it would be like to have her identical twin Joan there that we had lost as an infant. Mom often talked the story of how Jane also almost died at the death of her twin, how they had to rush her to the hospital also. I remember when we started school, she would just sit and cry for mom, they would call me to her room and I would have to sit with her until she stopped. She was always nustled under moms apron, mom being very protective and so very close to her as she was to mom.

That night we watched a movie about Godzilla,,yea Godzilla, there was lots of fire and things burning in the movie and not a good movie at all but of course we stayed and even had laughs out of it. On our way home we got a flat tire having to stop and change it. I felt very sad and didn't know why, I even cried. We got the tire changed then hurried home as I had missed my curfew.

Upon arrival at the house, the dogs barked at me, I guess it was probably around 12:30. Aunt Bill asked if it was me and I told her yea. She informed me that mom, dad, and Mitch, the youngest of us had stayed down the hill in a small cabin type building my dad had built. We talked and discussed how hot the house felt and I told her I would turn the window fan on for a while to cool the house down. I went into the room where Jane and I was sleeping, she lay really still, had a hot pink top on, she never awoke. I got into the bed with her, she never spoke. About 3:30 I was awaken by the sounds of crackling and flickering lights..I lay looking out the bedroom door and thought I was dreaming as from the movie earlier. I closed my eyes and then heard sounds of kids screaming, my aunt screaming to get out..The house was on fire.

I shook Jane told her to get up. The room had two windows, one opened to the porch but was closed, the other was open but would be a jump to get out. I chose the window with the jump because it was open. I pushed the screen out and jumped hitting the ground on my knee. Above me and behind me, I heard the window shut with a bang. The house was old and the windows were held open by a stick. By this time the youngest of us girls, Paula was running to me along with 2 cousins that were burnt and hurt, Sissi Im hurt is all I could hear.My aunt had busted out the window and threw the kids out with them getting cut from the glass. From down below the hill my mom and dad were running up to the house..I screamed to Dad, Jane is in there, she didn't jump out. Mom tried to go in the house and I held her down to stop her. I then found Dad on the front porch of the house with him telling me, I can't find her, I can't find her. He was burnt and bleeding from all the glass. The next door neighbor came running across and tried, I remember telling him Jane didn't get out, get some flash lights and wet blankets..It was just too late, the fire was so intense. I remember taking them all puttin them in the car, driving off the hill and infront of the house, looking up it wasn't nothing but fire. She was gone.

We drove a few miles coming to my aunts house and then onto the hospital. My leg was ok after being checked out, my aunt was burnt all over, the children had cuts from the glass, scorched hair, and blisters a half inch high on the tops of their ears.
Moma just completely lost it, she would sit and hear her talking and say listen she is talking, can't you hear her..A woman that had so much death in her life and stayed strong was now unable to.

That night I could not sleep, took the children and went to my boyfriends home. I can remember cutting scorched hair, doctoring the cuts and blisters. They too was scared and I slept with all 3 of them.

The days to come was hard. I picked her casket and flowers. Her funeral was in the highschool gym, I still see her rose colored casket sitting in the middle of that floor. She is buried in Dogwood Cemetery with the other sisters.

We all recovered from the burns, bruises, but never from the loss. I found myself pregnant with my oldest daughter,Samantha. I thought I was beeing punished for this but at her birth I realized she was special because she was sent to help us thru loosing Jane. The day she was born is the day I got my mom back and started trying to live my life.

Sad story I know but I have to leave this for others to know. To understand that it doesn't matter how old you are, this can happen. At the age of 15 and 16, I often ask why did I get out and she didn't. I can still hear Mom asking me why did you go to the window? There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and pray she was here, I know she would have been here to help me,,I really miss her.

Photo of the Week....My Favorite Coffee Mug

Well meet my favorite coffee mug. This mug is glass as you can see and is about 4 years old. This is my favorite as thru the years my morning coffee was drank from it. Upon getting sick, hot tea became my favorite. At times hot broth was even brought to me in it. My favorite is hot chocolate. The sad news is tho, my favorite coffee mug got broke shortly after taking this picture...So yes Im looking for another just like it...because it was my favorite.. always..Judy

My Very Bestest Friend...

Well this is Shelly, my best friend. In 1969 my parents moved me from a big city to a very rural town called Lesterville. Moving was hard on me, leaving all my friends and of course at the age of 15, I had a boyfriend. I can remember the first day of school was horrible and no one talked to me nor tried to. Needless to say I went home crying and was very upset with my mom and dad for moving me in this horrible place. Days past with little change and found each day very lonely..I can still remember the teachers announcing a new student was coming. A girl, in my class, she was very smart, and from E.St. Louis area. Ahh I thought my kind and we almost lived within miles from one another. Thinking this would be my chance to make friends cause surely she would find the same as I did, not real friendly people. The day came and her name was Michelle and yes we were alot alike and we became the best friends anyone could ever see. We shared death, our marriages, our children, and grandchildren together. We sure could tell ya some stories about us too, like the time the ice was on the ground, chickens couldn't even walk, we decided to sneak to town only to end up rolling down the hill to my house. I laughed so hard at her, I cried. We also shared illness. We are still best of friends even tho our distance is short we find it hard to make the time we still need together because of our families but know we are sisters. Lots of memories, of guys, parties, laughs and so many cries. As I have said before she is one of my heroes because of her heart, her understanding, her knowledge, her patience, and most of all for her love, she is my hero. always...Judy

All 10 of us..

Had a farely busy day today. Went to gather a baby shower present, pick up prescriptions, and got my hair done.. I almost forgot the highlight of today,,after school I took all 3 grandsons to get their hair cut,,Colby the youngest is some little character and made the job just a little hard but we did accomplish it.

Well I think tonight I will try to write about this big family we have so you will know all their names and just about their life.

Doris Helen born March 1942 and died June 1943. Don't know alot about her but the death certificate says colitis. Mom never talked alot about her only the story of her death. At that time they lived in Southeast Mo. in a small town called Dogwood.
Mom said they knew she was sick but not so bad as to die. She said it had been a very warm day and she had done laundry and hung out to dry on the line. She laid on the bed with my sister in front of an open window with a cool breeze blowing thru, and she seemed better and even played then drifting off to sleep. Mom thought it would be a great time to go get laundry off the line so she went out to do so. While standing and folding clothes with a warm cloudy sky she said there seem to be a light shine down on the house toward the window where Helen laid. She said she hurried and went in to check on her and found she had died. I still to this day cannot lay under a window. She is buried in Dogwood Cemetery along side mom and dad and three other sisters.

Carl Lee born May 1944,and resides with his wife Sharon in Waterloo Illinois. They have 2 children with 2 grandchildren. He was the father figure of the family. He has always been there for me and I have always felt safe when he is around. In my life I have heroes as I have said and he is one. For his strength, love, knowledge, patience, and father figure. I love him so.

Charles Edward, Charlie to his friends, was born Aug. 1946 died April 2001 from a heart attack. He was the laughter of the family and the one with the biggest heart. He never seen you without telling you how much he loved you and always laid a big kiss on ya. He was also the one with the secret life and lots of skeletons. He served in Viet Nam, almost died from a stabbing, car wreck, and getting hit by a car. Married several times but only 2 sons, Charles Jr. and Brian whom we have not seen since they were little nor know their where abouts. It was really hard loosing him and took time for us all to get over this loss. Maybe over. He is buried in Warrenton Cemetery.

Barbara Ann was born in Jan.1951 and resides in Northern Illinois. Married for 35 years and now divorced, has 4 children, and 5 grandchildren. She was my best friend in my teen years doing almost everything together. Upon my illness she is the one that came and stayed with me even tho she suffers from MS. She is still close checking on me although the distance keeps us apart.

Then there was me...Judy Kay,Im sure I will have alot to tell you,,I was born in March 1954

Joan Marlene born Mar.1953 and died Nov. 1955. She was an identical twin. Death due to menigits. She is buried in Dogwood Cemetery.

Jane Christine born Mar. 1953 and died May 1970 in a house fire.She also was an identical twin. She was a wonderful person and my best friend. So hard to over come this loss, blame,and hurt. Not a day goes by I don't think of her. She is buried in Dogwood Cemetery.

Kathy Lynn born Oct.c1959 and died Feb. 1960. I can barely remember Kathy. Cause of death, cardiac arrest, whole in her heart. She is buried in Dogwood Cemetery.

Paula Lynn born Jan. 1962 and resides in Ellington, Mo. Since getting ill she has chosen to not come around me as it is her way of dealing with it. She has 4 children and 4 grandchildren.

Mitchell Wayne born June 1967 and resides in Cahokia Ill. He also chooses not to deal with my illness and doesn't visit much. He has one son.

Well this is all so you know about me and my family. Although we have had so much loss we did have a good life. I love them all so much..

always,,Judy

Changes in my Life...

The weekend was a quiet one with the Birthday Celbration on Sunday. I always look forward to our Family Sundays and our meal together. It does seem to tire me out but I want to continue as we are all together. The importance of families being together is at the top for me, even if its only once a week.

My life since being diagnosed with the cancer has changed so much. My memory is not there the way it use to be and I certainly am restrained from the activities I was use to. While keeping my wonderful and youngest granddaughter, Klair, yesterday I realized just how much I miss being with children and being able to pick them up and hold them. We played and watched Barney the whole day singing and dancing. She was so much fun and something I really longed to do. Even tho I played with her I wanted so much to hold her to bond with her as a Grandma should. My job of owning a daycare of 30 children a day prior to my illness has made the longing even harder.

My life has become very lonely. It seems the children have become more distant not having much to do with me and I sit daily trying to find something to keep me busy. There are days no one even checks on me and I am thankful the older Grandchildren come in after school. Friends are scarce as tho they are aftaid of catching something. Everyone just seems so busy with their own life.

The cancer leaves you stripped of so much, energy is gone, desire is so less, and hope is dug from within so deep. I have came a long way from even months ago but find it hard to get up each morning and to find something that makes me realize, I am better. I am thankful for my life and overcoming the cancer at this time. I pray all the time for it not to return.

I love blogging and writing so I really hope this helps and others won't find me depressing. I live with hope, so much love for life, and for my family. I now read others blogs and find it so interesting to read about their life. I am very thankful for finding this and hopeful I can learn how to do it all.. And I love the pictures.

always,, Judy

More Shadows

PHOTO OF THE WEEK.....A Sunday Drive

My Sundays are always spent cooking and getting ready for our routine of family meal and get together. This Sunday would be a special one as it is my Granddaughter Natalie's 10th birthday celebration. But with a few hours with nothing to do my husband and I decided to take a drive. This is something we had not done in over 2 years so I felt very excited. It would be a great opportunity to take some pictures so I grabbed the camera. Ellington has a population of about 1000 residents but is nestled in the mountains with the state parks, Clearwater Lake, and Current and Black Rivers close by it. The park is to the back of town so that is where we chose to start our drive. Finding the sun was out for the first in days we drove and I observed so many shadows. After driving thru the park looking at an old fort site, the fire tower, Buford Lake, the old Log Cabin built by the CC camps, and many animal food plots. we surprisingly did not see one animal. So we decided to go back to the north of town and come back to town. Driving down the road my husband suddenly stopped and started to back up. Looking to my right up on a small hill stood two deer right by the road, right in town. They were in the shadows of the trees and with the colors they could barely be seen. But right in town, right beside the road, and in front of a home. They stood there for quite some time just staring at me. I wondered what they thought but I knew they felt they were safe with me. This is my picture of the week because I felt it showed a shadow but also a trust and one of our beautiful attractions of the area.

About my Mom and Dad

Thinking that it might be good to tell where my family started and some info about them would be good to write about today,
My Mom was a very loving woman with a great big heart. It seems it was forever she would take in a cousin, aunt or just anyone and let them live with us. Knowing momma's background makes this all very understandable. She was raised in hollers of Tennessee along with 7 siblings and her name was Christine. Never got to go to school but in the early years this was the way of life then. It seems the importance of helping and working had the priority of life. She did at later life teach herself to read some out of our grade shcool books. I can remember her telling me stories of Cow Holler and Happy Holler and living close to Minnie Pearl and for those who ask who is Minnie Pearl? She was a star on the Grand Ole Opry with the mark of her hats. One story she often told was of how Cow Holler became named that. She would tell the story of a cow getting stuck in a crevice in a mountain, of how the men worked and worked to save the cow, finally getting it free and thence the holler was named Cow Holler. Her talks was of how they lived in logging camps and moved with the camps. Her home of a huge tent, she would smile telling me of how they swept the dirt floors and how clean they kept the tents. You have to imagine this huge tent with a cooking stove, table, beds and all just to get the most of what I write and it was big enough to house 10 people. She said they swept the floors so much they become as hard as concrete making her cleaning even easier. There is not much history going back on her family as we have come to a dead end with a great grandma with no last name..Hints of slavery to me is in the information.
My Dad, Jesse along with 7 siblings, lived along side my mom's family and with the death of his mom at an early age after child birth, and his dad's death shortly after, my mom's parents raised all of those children. That is how momma met dad and later married him to be parents of 10 of us children.
My ancestors on my dad's side came from Devonshire England and lived in the Isle of Wright Va. in which my Dads last name is Wright. There is info on doctors,lawyers and a famous Tennessee pottery that was in our family. The pottery is still noted in Hickman County Tennessee as a historical marker as Coble Pottery.
My mom and dad eventually married moving northward into Southeast Missouri working in the cotton fields and making Dogwood, Mo. their first home and where my first sister Doris Helen would be born but also die at the age of 15 months. They would eventually move to St. Louis with more children being born but also loosing 2 more of my sisters, Joan Marlene at the age of 2 yrs. 8 months, and Kathy Lynn at the age of 4 months. They would eventually move to Cahokia Illinois where my brothers and dad built a new house. At my age of 15 we then moved to rural area in Reynolds County Mo. where death would continue to follow in our family. At the age of 15, my sister Jane Christine was loss to a house fire. A very tragic turn in my life in which I will write about another day..Mom and Dad lived there until they became sick. I lost my mom in 1992 at the age of 67 and dad on Christmas day in 1987. He was 70 years old. They along with my 4 sisters are buried in Dogwood Cemetery in Southeast Mo., their first home.
My family is one of many secrets and skeletons in the closet and found this on both sides..My family also had secrets in which later in life finding out some of them only brought so much hurt. I am hoping that this terrible trend of secrets, lies, and skeletons does not continue in our generation. Family is so important and all the love possible that can be shown to one another should be done..My prayer is for my children to be and stay as close as possible.

Going Back..April 22, 2008

During the time of my chemo I became really sick but did manage to write some about what was going on in my life. From time to time I will write some of them in my blogging just so I know they are being shared.

Dated April 22, 2008

Today was the beginning of a really bad dream or what seems like a dream. In February I really started having the first signs of anything being wrong but I truly thought I had a miscarriage. This was the day I would have a visit with a OBGYN doctor which turned out to be a really bad ordeal. My very best friend Shelly was with me. There are not enough words to say what she means to me and has helped me thru my life. In my life I have some hero's and she would definately be one of my heros. A very rough day but I didn't realize I would leave grieving with the thought of loosing a baby, one I always wanted with Kevin. Getiing home I don't think family realized how much I hurt.

April 25,2008

Returned to the doctor to be told I never had a miscarriage but had Cancer of the Uterus called MMMT and that it will kill me. Maybe a year left. My life can't be over as there are things I can't leave. I will fight this with everything I have. The fear is over whelming, my family has been here for me which means so much.
Me nor Kev could sleep at night and we cried togther. I have never seen him cry but I seen so much hurt. We held each other close all night and did not sleep hardly any. I knew I loved him but did not realize, he does love me. Telling my family is so hard and I feel I have let so many down. The hurt I see is over whelming. My Girls and my son, I love you so and only hope that what I taught you, you will grab ahold and always stop and think, would mom say this is ok. Very hard day but had so much love around me..

My wonderful Grandchildren

My life is my grandkids, all 8 of them. The youngest being 3 and the oldest 17. Four girls Heather, Ashlynn, Natalie, and Klair and 4 boys Trevor, Connor, Colby, Jakob. Each filled with all the love anyone could ask for. Watching them grow up has been the most remarkable thing in my life. Not a day will pass that a new little funny thing happens with them. When trying to recover from surgery and diagnosed with cancer this is what brighten the day for me.. I will never forget them waiting for my hair to fall out. One day they came in and Connor came in sat close to me and said Gma you feel better? I told him yes and he says, you still have hair, I said yea isn't that great? He says Gma ya know what I heard on tv, I said whats that Connor, he said I heard if you eat hot dogs it will cure Cancer, well Connor I best get to eating them Huh? So I choked the tears back and gave him a big hug..
Heather will graduate this year, Trevor just got his license,Colby and Jakob started school this year, Ashlynn is the sweetest of all in her teens, Natalie is full of spunk and my smallest Klair is just the cutest. I watched every day for the school bus at the end of the road to stop and here they come running to see who can get at the house first. How could anyone not put a fight up to live for all of this..

Encouraged..

Well Im going to give this a try as my very best friend encouraged me to do it. I guess I will begin by telling a few things about me. Im definately not a writer but all written will be honest and from the heart. I am a 55 year old female, a mom of 3, a grandma of 8, and a wife. In April 2008 I was diagnosed with cancer, a rare form of uterine cancer called MMMT. My journey with my fight has been very hard and very life changing for me..It also continues to be very hard. Cancer is not only life changing but also the most frighting thing to go thru. Right now I am cancer free, or as far as I know I am and continue to have a checkup every three months. I find it hard to live 3 months at a time and continue to try to find a way to stop doing it. I not only have the cancer to live with but also got the honors of getting a staff infection, MRSA in the wound and continue to fight with an open wound that will not heal.

Having cancer has made me realize the importance of everything around me and the love I have just of living..I want to spend every minute with the family and friends which I have found not to happen..I sometimes find myself kinda giggling and asking "where have all the people gone?" As I find it a struggle each day to accept the things that I cannot change, my life does not get easier. I love life and all that surrounds me and I will continue to fight to keep it. I have also learned to be honest with myself and with others which has caused problems. With a 25-35% chance of this devil within returning, I have to be honest. You have heard the question What would you do if you only had a day, a week, a year to live? I would and want to spend every minute of it having fun and being with those I love...