A writing from the past...April 26,2008

After the rough night, I had to get out and away so my escape was to Missy and Keiths new home. We all got together. As I set silently and watched each of them and it made me feel so good. All of them laughing and the guys working together. They never even realized what I was doing and this time for me was different watching them. This is how it should be and hope all of them remember no matter how busy they are, stop take time for these moments, be together.

The day is hard and I feel so tired but I must keep going and hopefully help them thru this all. I hope that the hurt I see does not over whelm me and continue to make me feel the let down to all. I called Barb which is very hard. I worry about her so much. She wants to come and I want her here. I hope that if anything good could come from this it will be her coming back to this family and she has the strength to face what I fear. My son was also told,I love him but I don't think he realizes how bad it is.

April 27, 2008

Today I called my brother Carl, he is one of my Hero's. He is a very wonderful, just great person and has been the backbone to our family. I have the same feeling toward my sister Sharon. she also has been there for me and her strength makes me feel so much better. I respect and know Carls decisions are good and know his calmness and understanding will help me..Again I see so much hurt. We are all together again all but Mitch and Barb. They will soon be down I know. Then we are complete. My day with Carl and Sharon helped but I hate for them to leave and of course the night time and evening brings my over whelming fear.

I had a house full but I sat silently and watched all of them once again, I felt so proud, I have 8 grandchildren. Watched them laugh and play, what a miracle to have this.
I also go to tell Jenny, not good at all. We cried together and I once again seen how much Kevin is hurting.

April 28, 2008

Paula is staying close and it makes me feel so good. I worry about my kids. The girls are close but JR is very distant.

Today I told my girls at daycare. It hurt so bad to even walk into there. My little Amber was so upset and again, I see so much hurt from all of them. This was very upsetting. I also sent letters home to my families. I could not look at the children, I felt so much hurt for my loss , a big loss.

I always felt that my work for God was if I could touch the life of the child and family and make one difference, than what a better world we could have, and I had helped and done my work. I use to feel that I could conquer the world, fill it with love,and understanding for the children and the parents..This all has fulfilled my life. I have grown to love the children alot, another hurt in my life.

The news is out with letters going to my parents, whom I love. Many phone calls and flowers. I still don't feel I can face them. Again I loose so much in my life.
My friend Suzie comes over, so happy to see her and will always admire her.

Night time begins to come and I feel the fear over whelming me. Tomorrow I hope this to be easier.


These were some of the writings when I first became ill, diagnosed with maybe a year to live. Its hard for everyone to understand Cancer people, its hard to understand how they feel, think, and how the fear is always with them..Today I met a girl close to my age dying from cancer, with no hope nor help, we talked and we understood each other. Living in a world and loving life and wanting to live for cancer people is a minute by minute, day by day, and test to test. In May I will be 2 years cancer free but still have all the feelings above. I try hard to help everyone around me to understand me, but as the time passes, all are more distant and certainly understand less.
The only good I can find from getting sick is I am closer to God, I appreciate everything so much more, and I am honest with my self and also with others.

always..Judy